Exposing Your Child to a Healthy Dose of Profanity

I’m not a parent. I’ve helped raise my niece from infancy to four years of age, but I’m not yet a mother. (I know there’s really no comparison, but I feel the need to give myself a tiny bit of credit before I go off on this particular tangent.)

Now, I know non-parents have this habit of saying, “I’ll never do that when I’m a parent” in regards to any number of specific principles to which they may object, but I swear there is one that I will honor, so help me Bill Murray. See, I’m absolutely sure that I will make a great many sacrifices for my future child, but I’m also certain of something else: The word “fuck” will not be one of those sacrifices.

No. Fucking. Way.

I’ll be damned if I’m giving up “fuck” for anyone. It’s a great word. And by word, I mean words (because there are so many wonderful variations of it). Now, some of you may be thinking, What a trashy piece of shit mother you’re going to make, and that’s okay. You’re entitled to your judgmental fucking opinion and I kind of even fucking respect you for it. But hear me the fuck out for a second. 

If I stop saying “fuck” (or any other “bad word,” for that matter) around my future kid, what I’m really saying is, “I think you’re going to do everything I do.” And that’s bullshit. Do I think it’s funny when a two-year-old says, “fuck”? Of course not. I mean, fuck yes I do, but I stifle my fucking laughter, compose myself, and correct the behavior just like you do until they’re not watching me anymore, at which point I turn to the nearest adult and talk about how hilarious that just was.

Baby Niece

I said “fuck” constantly the whole time my niece was growing up. Now, I wasn’t directing the fucks towards her or anything. It’s not like I was like, “I don’t give a fuck if you don’t want to eat your fucking peas,” or anything like that, but I didn’t censor myself when I spoke to other adults in front of her, either.

And let me just say, first of all, this kid has the vocabulary of a fucking English professor, okay? Secondly, she is certainly not walking around going, “Fuck this,” and, “Fuck that,” capiche? The kid doesn’t drop f-bombs all over preschool because she’s not fucking stupid!

The Fourth

Over time, she’s learned that there are certain words and behaviors that are socially appropriate according to our very different age groups. I’m not going to declare in public my need to poop, and she’s not going to tell her friends she’s “tired as fuck” when she gets off work. Some things you do.  Some things I do. We have an understanding.

Because here’s the bottom line: Who’s telling who what to do here? Is my kid dictating my language to me? Or do I expect my kid to be smart enough to catch on to social cues and go, “Okay, maybe I can’t say fuck, but I can crawl through these badass tunnels in this play gym. (Mom can’t do that shit.) I can’t say fuck but I can get pulled around the neighborhood in this sweet wagon. Mom might get to say fuck, but she also has to cook all of our meals.”

Piggy Back

See, it’s a tradeoff. And in my world, you have to earn the right to add “fuck” to your vocabulary. My kid won’t have the right to take my fuck away any more than he’ll be able to give my fuckfree days of wondrous childhood back to me. So in a way, we’ll be even.

And let’s face it: If a kid does happen to slip up and release a fuck or two before the age of fuckness, guess how many kittens are going to die as a result, and guess how many fucks any rational person is really going to give about it? Right. None. So who fucking cares?

Summer Walk


Published by GramenVox

I love hypothetical conversations about how to survive the apocalypse. I love arguing over which musicians I could combine together to form the perfect band. I love conducting research, and I appreciate my resources. I love freedom (or at least the ones that haven't yet been revoked), and look forward to the day that everyone will have the same ones.

7 thoughts on “Exposing Your Child to a Healthy Dose of Profanity

  1. Oh good grief! Lol! Well, I can’t really tell right now what my principles on this factor are, ’cause I’ve seen both sides. My family easily slipped up on various words as I grew up, though not intentionally, but it did nothing to influence me picking it up; in fact I’m more on the lines of a verbal prude. 😛 But my younger cousins on the other hand picked it up quicker. On either case though, I agree that parents perhaps shouldn’t stress too much about it. For if kids don’t learn it from them, they’ll learn it from somewhere or someone else anyway. You’re stuck either way :3


  2. Love this!! I still cuss and just have taught the girls that they don’t say that! I didn’t realize you blogged… So fun!!!


  3. People in their secure white neighborhoods with gates and churches have no idea what the vocabulary of inner city and urban kids have. In Miami average 7 year old knows: crack ho, weed, oxys, perks, heroin, speed, arraignment, parole officer, status hearing, uzi(drive-by), bail bondsman, Dept Children and Families, State Attorney Office, rehab, Glock, Section 8 housing, immigration officer, the popos(police) ,food stamps, gage(shotgun),status hearing, probation, ….. I know.I was a teacher in Miami 33 years. Best wishes for 2017

    Liked by 1 person

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